…writings at 9:49pm

…it’s 9:49pm-

internally im balled up into this unrealistic fatal position that my autoimmune joints could never actually mimic; crying a pain that this even in itself, shall fail to describe-

i am in a psychological place that should not exist- that should never come to be- i seek purpose and find nothing-

i have reached the mental and physical state of worthlessness, and the constant thoughts of suicide seem more like a sweet final sip of peach tea than of sorrow-

too real? too honest? but how many painted smiles are amongst us? perfectly drawn, beautifully imprinted, immaculately worn lip glossed smiles- but because we are so brilliant at the hide, finding us to save, is the war of the battle-

it scares me when the sky looks empty- i want to see, know, and believe that God is- but sometimes the mind becomes infected- forgive me father-

it just seems that some lives are traced with pink and yellow crayons, and others in gray and black- i am ready for another shade- will you find me a lighter shade father? and be the artist until i am able?

millions seek love- i am aware of its vast array- but is it wrong to crave the soul of a flesh to love the soul of a flesh? of the billions, even in my imperfections, is there not just one father? one mold for my mold? i am untouched as i await- do you not see my loyalty? will my last breath come before love? before i can close my thoughts and be made into water by honest hands- am i selfish to wonder? forgive me father-

it’s been almost a year since ive placed a comb onto my scalp- but because i smile and keep bills paid, no one knows- i have completely neglected myself, but poured my being into motherhood- so how do i find her? how do i find the simplicity of even knowing what color looks good on my skin? how do i heal her wounds of failed dreams, and collapsed goals?

my luv finally fell asleep- right here in the capturing of mamas arms- and his sleep is deep enough that i can cry now- that i can honestly not be ok- oh how sad this moment is- but oh how freeing it is too- as sometimes we are saved by our own honest confessions- and sometimes that is the hardest step-

hang in there my darlings- wherever you are- whomever you may be- you are never alone- i am with you.

God is…

kb

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