…sleepless nights

…parenthood is hard-

today my spirit kept going back to my mom letting my brother know that my oldest is in counseling- which is fine- im glad she’s talking to someone- she hasn’t spoke to me or her siblings for years- she was so loved, so ill never understand it- is it because im different? on the spectrum? i wasn’t like the other moms- i tried.

but “she better be thankful” that her counseling sessions are what they are, and (((not what they could have been)))-

because when i was asked to sign a songwriting contract in jersey to fly to cali and atlanta to write for artists at the time, i declined because they wanted their family (aunts/uncles) to watch my kids- they called and asked if I were sure- i stressed that I couldn’t leave my children with people I didn’t know, no disrespect-

…but had life altered in any way and i agreed to go, “anything” could have transpired with any of them- molestation, physical abuse, anything-

i just find it ironic that the same soul she rejects, is the same soul that ((sacrificed and protected)) the possibilities of “severe” traumatizing warfare on her life, while rejecting self- …crazy 😔.

nonetheless, i still wouldn’t change the moment if I could- even foreseeing the rejection of a child- as the innocence of my children weren’t and never will be worth any sought after dream. nonetheless, i love her always. but I cannot chase- I’ve tried. it strips my sanity beyond what is safe- beyond what my youngest still at home deserves. so ill wait, until…

really sad tho. 

shit keeps me up at night😔

kb