…mustard seeds

…Gods always seemed so magical to me, even now- even muted.

so when i heard a preacher speak of the mustard seeds biblical verse, my young mind became obsessed with its truth-

“one mustard seed of a faith can move a mountain”, he said-

so in the mind of a child at that moment, i figured if i believed hard enough, it shall be-

so once as a child around the age of 9 or 10, i opened a curtain to see God- i told him i was a lonely child, and would love a brother or sister- the power in my moment with him, was i asked if it would be possible to have twin sisters and a brother, or twin brothers and a sister- he gave me twin sisters and a brother- the innocence of a child’s pain reached him, and at a very young age, he showed me that he listened-

so as i got slightly older, every night i believed that angels guarded our home from evil- one was short but of great build, the other massively tall and of giant structure-

they, and a few others, stood at the door, and my mustard seed of faith knew it to be- so never a night missed, when no one was looking; id do my cross sign, lean my forehead to the door as they leaned theirs, thanked them for guarding the home and kissed the door goodnight- if i forgot the door ritual, which was rare, id send my gratitude thru earths air to find them at each doorway- id soon smile because i knew theyd received it-

i wanted to share my faith in the guarding angels, but I feared what other thoughts would think of me, and didn’t- this ritual remained consistent even as an adult- i still fall back into those days and send gratitude thru the air now- but pain has a way of diluting the purity that a young mind once had-

i want to believe again that the same soul can open a curtain and be heard; but the psychological water i used then, don’t seem to grow my mustard seeds anymore- and i don’t know why-

heaven knows im far from glorious, but im still a good soul- im just broken into many unseen pieces-

so many dreamers in this world- with goals and visions of becoming- i too was a dreamer- and my gift was indeed a gift- epic song after song after song- that just couldn’t find that epic door- so my children witnessed my failures- they hoped for, yet received nothing- why didn’t that door open? what portal did i find at 9 to reach you, that couldn’t reach you now?

my mind isn’t like your typical mind- but you know that- and i just needed someone to reach in a guide me- but you knew that- so why didn’t you send them? why does life taunt me in front of my children- their gifted autistic mother with a mind capable of a black card, yet the reality of an ebt-

when did my relevance leave me? when did i stop kissing the door goodnight? what day did i disappoint you to the extent of abandonment? to the extent of being down to 2million thoughts of unseen blogged words, yet no author- yet no books. yet no songs- and no placements.

to this day, i still believe in the power of the mustard seed biblical verse- i do. even in the realm of nothingness- because i believe that even the deepest of deepest fall, can receive the testimony of Gods lift; simply to remind us who he is, and the magnitude of his capabilities-

stay strong my dreamers.

kb 🫶🏾

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