…freedom release

…ever hold thoughts back-

literally sitting there on the tip of a breath, refusing to release it-

but i wonder if that only drowns us faster?

grant me a moment of freedom release- ill suffer the consequences later-tho possibly it shall be the reach i extend rightfully to myself-

—

-am i cursed?

but it cannot be, because i know deep down God is- he truly is- so it cannot be.

but what is it- and if not God, why have i written my own demise? over and over again-

i feel i have failed all of my children- i feel loved by obligation and not of purity- i feel so unwanted and uncared for- that they mask it underneath a grin of pity- it just doesn’t feel natural- i wish they knew how sorry i am for not being what they’ve always deserved-

i often wonder if they are as ashamed as the one that left- hiding it underneath their tongues.

as somewhere in this life i became so unimportant that she entirely dismissed me- entirely.

oh silly girl- do you not know how difficult life was- how lost i was simply being an autistic mom, yet still choosing to awaken each day to the role of loving you- silently screaming in a world of a billion sounds and sensory overloads; as i still do.

i hear from my mom that she is well- how mercifully of God to grant her such peace- my sweet precious girl- all is forgiven-

but to live, …i must release you- i exhale now.

life cannot rewind- it simply cannot- nor can the painful will to bandage all of my wrongdoings and failures as a mom- oh how i love you all- forgive me for any let downs ive caused each of you-

but to live, …i must release these too- i exhale now.

—

i am almost 50, and have yet to know love- why has it fled from me an entire lifetime? is my soul not the most of kind? why have i settled? never had a man even pay half of my rent- never surprised with a gift to unwrap- why? oh why have i settled? the blame belongs to me and not them-

i have lost so many years not listening nor abiding to Gods followings- forgive me for having such deaf ears along the way father.

only you know the sincerity of my plea- please send a soul hand molded from the art of you- i have and still hold celibacy and am learning to faithfully wait- please see my truth. please mercifully see me.

—

i’ve never had a father- my mother confessed that she lied and told him i wasn’t his because she was into an older guy, who eventually wanted nothing to do with me- as an adult i still wonder what a daddy would have been like- I still cry often- no one knows how much-

to live, i must release this- it is exhaled.

i still recall being contacted by the vp of sony about my songwriting- i still recall being flown out several times from others about my songwriting- i was a single mom with sick children- revolving doors placing me right back outside every time- once a team offered me to fly with them for a major writing project, leaving my children behind with their family- i refused for the safety of them-

i then once found a brother in this industry- he became the soul of my soul- i am still hurt but a small part of me will love him for life- i don’t know why that path didn’t become the path for me- my songwriting skills were beyond a gift- exceptionally crafted- i often wonder if God was protecting me from something- disappointment can often be a hidden form of safekeeping; of love- just one difficult to understand, and often accept-

although to live, …i must release this- it is exhaled.

—

being autistic, i often fear a man not understanding nor welcoming the uniqueness of me- trust me, im an odd one- 🥹

but to live, …i release this too- all of it-

it is all exhaled.

—

I don’t know which way im going- im terrified of living this life, only to never experience the truest and deepest of love- im a massive empath and lover by trade- i just want to pour into and trust the pouring of another- why won’t you come to me?

‘but; to live, …i release the worry, and trust in a masterfully inclined God. i love you father.

-and this,

is my freedom release.

may those of you with journeys; release, let go, and be free. life comes with error, it contains the worst of flaws, and it’s ok- there lies a grace in this recognition-

God loves you- so do i.

may we all go from 💔 to ❤️,

in time.

-be gentle with yourself. i shall do the same.

kb ✨